mochizuki-senpai sucks at life

year of the earth rat

2008-02-07T12:15:00.000-05:00

新年快樂!

remy dit, “gung hay fat choy, mes amis!”

tips for the hygenically challenged

2008-01-04T10:09:00.002-05:00

I. BODY ODOR
in America, and in many other nations, there is such a thing as deodorant/anti-persperant. it is used under the arms, or "armpits," after washing oneself.

if you are spending time in an environment, especially one which is enclosed, where other people must be in some sort of physical proximity to you, i suggest you use this. if you tend to take your lunch break to exercise, remember to clean off with soap and water upon returning from your break and then reapply the deodorant/anti-persperant to your underarms.

i suggest you not only use deodorant/anti-persperant, but ensure the product serves both funtions yet does not have heavy cologne/perfume to make up for its not actually performing the function for which it is marketed.

II. ON THE USE OF PERFUME
if one is using some sort of scent, such as cologne or perfume, one does not dump the entire damned bottle over oneself.

if the scent is in a bottle with a stopper or cap, simply dab a small, small amount of the scent on two or four pulse points, such as just below and behind each ear or at in the inside of each wrist. if the scent is in a spray bottle, one should spray the scent in front of oneself and walk through the resulting cloud of scent.

one should never be able to smell the scent upon oneself. if the scent is noticable to oneself, one has used too much and the scent will therefore be overpowering to those around one.

III. IN SUMMATION
it is exceedingly rude to have a heavy odor coming from oneself, either in the form of body odor or added scent. we all must live with each other. as Sartre observed so aptly, "l'enfer, c'est les autres." try not to make this hell even worse for those who must be around you in particular.

hope you enjoyed my advice, my little メロンパンs. feel free to share it with any particularly odiferous coworkers/classmates you may have. tell them あなたの先輩 said so!

先輩の必滅

2007-11-19T09:39:00.000-05:00

the reason why 米人 eat egg and cheese sandwiches for 朝御飯 isn't simply that egg and cheese sandwiches are delicious and a source of protein, but that to eat an egg and cheese sandwich is to be reminded of one's own mortality と思う.

someone eats more than five of those puppies in a lifetime and they're gonna die, and die early. and they know it.

it is a deeply philosophical (possibly even theological) yet very tasty experience which goes well with coffee. what a way to start the day. so long as one doesn't indulge every day or else the experience wears down into the mundane と思う. once a week, maybe. every Monday can be Delicious Yet Deep Philosophy Through Egg and Cheese on a Lightly Toasted Hard Roll Day.

enjoy your cholestrol-ridden and high-fat 朝御飯, my little 米人のメロンパンs. life is short.

growing up sucks

2007-10-24T13:42:00.000-04:00

once upon a time, my little メロンパンs, あなたの先輩 used to love, love, love frosting on cake. 大好きだったよ! not the super-sweet frosting, but the good, expensive stuff, especially the decorative-flower frosting. おいしかった!

昔々､モチ先輩 used to eat cake and ice cream with impunity, especially cake which had been soaked in ice cream "soup." it was a small joy to be found in this miserable life. cake soaked in ice cream soup is one of 人類に神様からの贈り物だよ｡

alas! あなたの先輩 has just discovered she can no longer eat frosting. it upsets モチ先輩の胃. nor can あなたの先輩 eat more than a few bites of cake soaked in melted ice cream. tumbly goes bleh-phooie at this culinary delight at amounts over, say, three grams. かな！

モチ先輩 is saddened by this discovery, my little メロンパンs. please, go enjoy some sweets on her behalf... while あなたの先輩は嘔吐く｡

caffeine shakes

2007-10-16T12:35:00.000-04:00

hello, hello, my little メロンパンs. おひさしぶり!

モチ先輩は病気だよ｡ coughing and sneezing, sore throat and stuffed nose, aching ears and aching head. it's cold season, my little メロンパンs. why? because it's too damned warm for this time of year, that's why. 「indian summers」が大嫌い! あなたの先輩 has caught every single bug that's gone through this office, as well as ones that have gone through extended family units. sick, sick, sick, sick for three weeks running with various icknesses. モチ先輩 is totally sick of being sick!

one offshoot of being sick is no coffee in the morning. months and months and months of coffee every morning, and now, no coffee for weeks until today.

so, drinking the usual travel mug of french roast has given あなたの先輩 the SHAKES. not bad. still can type, still can write. but the SHAKES. caffeine shimmy, caffeine shake. ...there should be a dance song!

go write the caffeine shake song, my clever and o-so talented little メロンパンs. モチ先輩 wants to boogie.

seven hints to those who may be considering work outside of the retail trade

2007-08-27T12:31:00.000-04:00

ONE
a coworker should not have to remind you to do something more than five times. if a coworker has to, say, tell you over and over and over again to let them know when you're not going to be at your desk so they know to pick up your phone to cover important calls, you're either a complete idiot, a complete asshole, or just not someone who should be working with others.

TWO
when you start a career, you will start at the bottom. this means you have to do things which you may find demeaning, like answer the phone, or respond to e-mail in a timely fashion, or make copies. do it. seriously, you spoiled brat, you waste of space, just do it, before your coworkers bring a world of hurt on your incompetent ass.

THREE
if you are going to be in charge of a particular on-going project or aspect of the business, you need to learn at least the basics of that particular project/business sector. your coworkers should not have to waste their time explaining your job to you for three hours.

FOUR
your coworkers are not here for your entertainment. they're here to work. if you're incapable of keeping your mouth shut for more than five minutes at a time, might i recommend you go into the lively field of phone sales?

FOUR-POINT-ONE
if you are incapable of keeping your mouth shut, don't occupy your time at the office/workplace by making numerous personal calls. you're not here to chat with your friends/girlfriend/husband/former coworkers. you're here to work. just because you get up from your desk and take the call on your cell in the breakroom doesn't mean you're not wasting the company's time. shut the hell up and get to work, chatty cathy. nota bene: even phone sales won't let you spend your entire day chatting up your equally empty-headed friends.

FIVE
don't assume that just because someone is female they give as much of a shit as you about shoes. maybe that person is a grown-up who understands shoes are for covering feet and facilitating pedal locomotion. maybe that person would rather work than listen to you natter on about the fugly-ass cheap-ass shoes you got on supersale that don't quite fit and are "so cute!" according to your complete lack of taste. maybe you should keep the inane blather about shoes to your home-based calls to your equally inane friends and get the hell back to work.

SIX
don't complain about how little you make. in all likelihood, there is someone sitting very close to you who is not even making a quarter of what you make in a year. just because not everyone whines about their finances doesn't mean you're the only one having trouble making ends meet on your salary.

SEVEN
just because someone is going out to lunch or to pick up a cup of coffee doesn't mean they are suddenly your girl or boy friday and must now go on whatever errand you set for them. it's a tremendous pain in the ass to pick up everyone else's order, sort out the different bits of change, carry all of the items, and keep everyone's order straight. this person going out is your coworker, not the office gofer. if they offer to pick something up, that's fine. just don't assume they'll be happy to waste their short break on your shit every time they step away from their desk. not unless you're going to pay them for their time and effort.

hope you enjoyed my advice, my little メロンパンs. feel free to share it with any particularly incompetent coworkers you may have. tell them あなたの先輩 said so!

quandry

2007-08-09T20:24:00.000-04:00

i can hear you now, my little メロンパンs. モチ先輩、何が欲しい？何をしたい？

ah, my clever, clever little メロンパンs, あなたの先輩 has no freaking clue what she wants to do.

write? yes, モチ先輩 loves to write. but who on earth would pay あなたの先輩 to write things for them?

read? yes, モチ先輩 could read 一日中 quite happily. but no one is going to pay あなたの先輩 to read.

... and that's it, my little メロンパンs. that's it. no one would pay あなたの先輩 to read and write. しかし、あなたの先は読みたくて、書きたい。

hence the sighing and the "i don't know what to do!"ing and the fretting and the sadness.

follow your dreams, my little メロンパンs. search your hearts, find your dreams, and follow them. and let あなたのモチ先輩 cheer you on.

so, not dead?

2007-08-03T13:02:00.000-04:00

no, my little メロンパンs, モチ先輩 is still alive and ...well, alive.

i have been temping at the same place since friday, october 13, 2006. most of the people are nice. one drives me so crazy, あなたの先輩 started to whisper-rant in the breakroom about how much あなたの先輩 HATES HER! WE HATES HER, MY PRECIOUS! 彼女を憎む! (in whispers.) モチ先輩は狂気に行っているね.

since i last wrote:
list/
no sign of permenent employment

four visits to the vet

one hair cut

one visit to nyc

one series of books finished (spoiler! harry potter dies! ha!)

one series of books nearly-finished (o, how i hope aubrey gets his blue pennant)

one serving of sushi consumed

many, many, many too-hot days.
/list

モチ先輩 desires sashimi, my little メロンパンs. oh, how we wants it!

2007-05-01T10:54:00.001-04:00

as of 10:30 am edt, may 1, 2007, the above was a crow daemon named albus. this rocks.

still, i could be deluding myself, my little メロンパンs. you decide!

updatingness!

ah! a...um, falcon? hawk? either case, his name is albus, and he is made of awesome.

he's also made of my soul. or something. i dunno. it's been a while since i read the His Dark Materials trilogy.

at any rate, my daemon albus is made of my soul and awesomeness.

hooray for albus! ...the osprey?

痛い! or, the dangers of a caffeinated life

2007-05-01T09:57:00.000-04:00

a bit of advice for you, my little メロンパンs:

do not take your vitamins with hot coffee. you will burn your tongue.

another bit of advice:

have care with what you wash your coffee thermos. residue may mix in with your lovely coffee, making it taste horrid and turning your tumbly into a boiling mass of ick which burbles up into your throat with burning burningness of much burning.

モチ先輩 doesn't feel very good today, my little メロンパンs. ::blargh::

siren's call

2007-04-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

i am tired, my little メロンパンs. i am tired and weak and require caffeine.

there is no potable caffeine to be had here.

if i left and took fifteen minutes off and got myself a potable cup of caffeine, i'd be spending money i don't have whilst losing money while not working. that would be doubly-stupid.

yet. and yet. i need caffeine. i am tired. and dizzy. wooooooze.

go take a nap in my honor. i am so tired, my little メロンパンs. please nap for me!

a tip for the office grunts

2007-04-17T09:57:00.000-04:00

everyone who works in an office has this problem: after some months on the job, you start getting messages from IS, or IT, or whatever the heck that department is called at your place of work, telling you that you are at your allotted server limit in stored e-mail and you need to clear space.

wtf?, you say. i need these, damn it! i've already deleted what i can! i've moved what folders i can to archive, but...auuugh!

here's the tip:

do not, ever, organize by subject or project. you will be working on those for ever and ever, amen or termination. it will be a massive, huge, ginourmous pain in the arse, but organize by year then month. if you know you have a set group of projects every freaking hour, day, week, month, year, just create a subfolder for each month for that project. it will take a lot of time to set up, but it will make your e-mail so much easier to archive.

so, main folders for years
2006
2007
2008...

then subfolder in those years for each month
april
may
june...

then subfolders to the months for each project, be it case number or client number, what have you.

create a folder for the current year in your archive. when the current month closes, move it to the archive folder for that year.

this way, you'll have only the current month's e-mail on the server, which means you get fewer notices from IS/IT/whomever. make sure you set up quick access to your archive, which is best kept on a server drive than your harddrive (just in case).

believe me, this will save you a lot of time and trouble in the long run, my little メロンパンs. in this matter, trust your モチ先輩, for she is wise and practical, office-wise. in all other aspects of life, however, she continues to suck.

this blog should be renamed mochizuki-sempai and the caffeinated life

2007-04-16T14:06:00.000-04:00

ah, toffee nut latté! much love to this sweet treat!

unfortunately, your モチ先輩 has been dieting for lent (starve yourselves in jesus's name! amen! hallelujah!), so she can no longer consume an entire s'bucks grande toffee nut latté without feeling somewhat ill. this is both good and bad. good in that it means that your モチ先輩 has succeeded in reaching a point where she is forced to eat and drink healthfully. bad in that damn it! i wanted to indulge in the luxury of toffee nut latté, a gi-ant vat of sticky-yum caffeinated goodness!

still, t'was a glory to consume, even though i had to slow my consumption of the nectar to small sips that left me with chilled toffee nut latté; good, but it was better hot.

your モチ先輩 will only be ordering talls from now on, my little メロンパンs. i recommend you do the same. indulgence in small quantities is the phrase of the day.

continuing in coffee

2007-04-11T13:07:00.000-04:00

i have taken to making my own coffee every morning. this 1) is cheaper over time and 2) ensures that my morning coffee does not suck.

the people who brew coffee for the office like it pisswater weak. they know nothing of coffee. (they believe DD is the height of roasted beanness, which all true coffee lovers know is shite.) (the dorks among you just thought, "what do beans/coffee have to do with dungeons & dragons?" this is why i ♥ dorks.)

s'bucks, while tasty, is pricey.

buying s'bucks beans, however, is not as bad.

i have a grinder at home, i have a french press, i have a kettle, i have filtered water, i have electricity. i have coffee! glorious, caffienated, roasted-beanerific goodness, every morning. with half & half, as milk takes up too much space in the travel mug. mmm.

thinking of going to full cream, as that would be even more satisfying and take up even less space. more room for caffienated beverage! also, i wouldn't have to drink the juice-glass of leftover pressed coffee before i head out 'cause i'm too big an idjit to figure out the right amount of ground beans/hot water. that takes precious time! time i don't have! latelatelatelatelate!

naturally, being the slothful lover of sleep that i am, i am having an impossible time training myself to get up early enough to grind and brew my own french roast/french press coffee. this means i'm about ten minutes late to work every morning. kind of defeats the purpose, but i shall learn, my little メロンパンs. i shall learn.

ah, the caffeinated life

2007-04-03T12:16:00.000-04:00

this s'bucks soy latte is heavenly. nectar of the gods. the only thing that'd make it better is if my very own Ganymede were serving it to me. ::heh heh:: (君のもち先輩はえげつない, my dear メロンパンs.)

it's amazing how happy a good cup of coffee makes me. and how a bad cup of coffee can completely ruin my day.

a rule to live by: never settle for bad coffee.

春であるので, go and treat yourselves today, my little メロンパンs.

microsoft continues to make my life miserable

2007-04-01T01:57:00.000-04:00

my mom can't get her resume to work, 'cause she used the infinitely superior wordperfect to set it up and is trying to keep the formatting when she opens it in the shitacular ms word.

this is an issue because she is whining to no end at me. why can't she open it this way? why does she lose the formatting? i tell her the answers again and again. she doesn't listen. she e-mails my brother-in-law who specializes in all things computery, and he tells her to open the file the way i told her to open it. she still loses her formatting, so she's still pissy. whine whine.

i told her the only way she can keep the formatting is to get wordperfect for her new pc.

does she listen?

no she does not, my little メロンパンs.

no she does not.

jeter in super-slo-mo is mental chocolate

2006-09-16T21:03:00.000-04:00

haven't posted in over seven months. got all busy as i got an assignment--finally!--from the temp agency. an assignment which ended yesterday.

once again, i am unemployed.

it's a little worse this time. i'm the bread-winner nowadays. seriously. i pay for the bread. milk. my income covers electricity and water and food. and now i'm sitting in a panic, hoping that i get another placement by this craptacular agency i've been working for.

my panic is a tightness in the chest, an ache around the heart. i thought i was just sad, as it had been a long, long assignment and i really liked some of the people with whom i worked. but no. i'm not that sentimental. i'm just repressing fear. fear which is keeping me from sitting still.

thank goodness for the distraction that is yankees baseball. that is derek jeter at home plate, hitting yet again. that is derek jeter, for pity's sake. that man is nigh unto divine in nature. i'd drool, but it's unbecoming and would mess up my keyboard.

lord, i cannot lose the cable. no! *cries into chai* i hate being broke!

i have realized i don't know how to write a resume for a career-type job.

don't worry, my little メロンパンs. i'm sure it'll work out all right. and i'm a yankees fan, so no matter what, i still have something positive in my life. tra la!

チュ！

bzzzzzzzzz

2006-02-09T03:41:00.000-05:00

i've been awake for...40 hours straight. my arms are trembling uncontrollably. but i don't look tired, which is really weird. i just can't sleep. the sleep function is broken. in disrepair. buggy.

i don't know why it's taking those idiots so long to check my references, which are impeccable. i don't know if i can stand working in a town where this sort of unprofessional behavior (i had to tell them how to reach my references, down to explaining to them how to get out of voicemail and reach the admin!) is apparently acceptable. parisians work harder than this, man.

my cat, lucy, keeps growing. she'll be two this month. i thought they stopped growing before now, but she's still going. you can actually watch it happen. she'll elongate, the fill out, then get longer. her tail is crazy long. there's just so much to her. it amazes me how small she can make herself, still. she is one long, tall, fluffy cat.

my other cat, oscar (pronounced oh-scar, which is how it's spelled in his file at the vet's, which tickles me), is going to be 18 this year. he continues to be the purr meister, king of silky-soft furness. i coddle him. i spoil him. i've known him longer than i've known any of my friends. ...that's really very pathetic. but, he's awesome. war wounds, man. he has war wounds.

i talk about cats because i'm unemployed, suffering from insomnia, and i don't know how to knit. if i could knit, you'd all have lovely long scarves by now.

go sleep for me, my little メロンパンs. sleep, and enjoy it. luxuriate.

チュ！

this just in...

2006-02-07T04:22:00.000-05:00

i feel like warmed over cat spew. infection + nasty-mean cold = frickin' miserable mochi. pity me, for i suffer from both ebola and avian flu, and shall die! die! die!

woe!

drink your ginger tea and eat your vitamin c, my little メロンパンs. and sleep. the opposite of staying up all night watching cartoons/reading manga. sleeping means you don't die from avian flu and ebola like your silly sempai, mochi.

チュ！

パン

2006-02-07T04:01:00.000-05:00

焼きたて!! ジャパン is completely addictive. what's worse, it makes me hungry. hungry for good bread. french bread, japanese bread. but i'm far, far away from any decent bakery. oh, man, what they call good food in this festering boil on the behind of human culture... so. wrong. i need to get me to that bakery on mott street. or sunshine on st. marks. or to boston. or to paris. or to kyoto.

dammit.

go eat good bread, my little メロンパンs. eat good bread, drink good wine/beer, and be merry.

チュ！

it's true, it's true, she does suck at life

2006-02-07T02:58:00.000-05:00

mochizuki-sempai is i. i really should refer to myself as mochizuki, but it'll just be mochi, as i am lazy. i also prefer typing with one hand as i eat or drink tea with the other, so screw capitalization.

i graduated in august, 2005, but there are a few who still think of me as sempai. also, mochizuki and mochi were already taken. probably by actual japanese people. i just studied the language. not very well, either.

i am in a perpetual state of unemployment and indebtedness. i owe a lot. not just money, either.

that's enough for now, my little メロンパンs.

チュ！